When I have purpose, and when I am working towards that purpose I am happy. The problem is that purpose is hard.
I cleaned the cat tray today after nearly a week of avoiding it – gross I know – and I felt this energetic thrill of accomplishment and empowerment. I’d done something I had to do. A task I’d been avoiding was vanquished. I was elated and pleased and proud.
And then I realised.
The other week my mum helped me clean my house. At first I was unable to even help her, but then I started on the washing up, and that feeling of satisfaction and pride welled up and I completed task after task. My bedroom and living room were niceish, livable, tidy, for the first time in months and I was so happy… except I wasn’t. Once that thrill went away I felt depressed. I looked at my recently vacuumed, tidy floor and I just felt… bad. And I didn’t understand why, because I’d wanted to have a recently vacuumed, tidy floor for months, I’d felt so awful about avoiding doing it, made plans to do it every day and then I just didn’t.
I’d thought my procrastination was fear of failure, depression, self-doubt, self-punishment even. But I’d never thought I enjoyed the end result. But I did. Because when I wasn’t doing those tasks, I knew they were there and that when I did them I’d feel that glow, that elation and pride. I’d feel like I’d got something done. But once they were completed, they wouldn’t be there anymore. I wouldn’t have a cat tray that would take ten minutes to clean, I wouldn’t have a floor that would take five minutes to vacuum. I’d have bigger tasks, harder tasks, tasks that I really was afraid I couldn’t accomplish. And I wouldn’t get to have that glow of satisfaction.
I wasn’t putting off an undesirable task. I was hoarding it like champagne, or that special outfit that you only wear when you want to feel good. You know that these things make you happy, and you know that once that happiness fades, once the specialness wears off, once the champagne is gone, you have to find something else to make you feel good. You hold it in front of yourself as a reward, a ‘one day’, a purpose.
I wasn’t putting off cleaning the cat tray, I was saving the satisfaction for later like champagne, I was enjoying the purpose. If I had a cat tray that needed cleaning, I had an objective that I could complete whenever I wanted with little actual effort and a great deal of reward. When my house was clean all my objectives were too far off, there was no possibility of immediate purpose and satisfaction.
When my house was clean I had to face the things I really was procrastinating.
Spitfire Words 